|Beware! Crazy obnoxious rant.
||[Nov. 26th, 2010|02:36 pm]
Not the girl. Not that type. Never have been, never will?
Since I was little I've mostly focused on the good parts of me; always tried to be optimistic and nice to people never really ackowledging or knowing there was something different underneath. I admire the qualities of my friends and family but I never bothered to figure out why they have more and go farther than me in areas of life. (Notice the word bother haha.) Most the time I felt equal to them despite their advantages over me.
Right now it feels like I have my insides on the outside and its really not pretty...its like seeing a train wreck; can't stop staring but have to look away. I'm seeing me and the object is myself. I don't think I know how to love people correctly and treat them the right way.
I might even all be a lie. Super nice and sweet covering huge flaws?
Lately I picked up on how truly amazing my friends and fam are with the ones they love. Did I never look that hard and then reflect those areas on my life? They seem so much more wonderful and thoughtful and they work honestly and hard. Most of all they seem to know how to love better than me. Like they read the love manual. I read the help me manual. I think I'm good at a few things- ask me now and I couldn't tell ya but I've never revealed to myself or anyone how shitty of a person I am and how clueless I am to truly successful in love and life. Til now. I think that's why I havn't had a boyfriend and can't get too far in my career. I'm plagued by selfishness and feeling ungrateful for things that I have constantly focused on what I don't and because of that lately all I feel is sadness and pain. I've been the type of girl that when she has a problem she calls a friend and spills her guts. all.over.the.place. I don't think I take that person's feelings into consideration often enough before my own. Sometimes I want them to experience exactly how I am feeling at that moment so they would understand and feel bad FOR me. Maybe if I say I love someone and truly mean it, maybe I should protect them from feeling as bad as I do...? Is that what true love is? Should you only tell someone your problems if you're looking for the solution? And then do that solution to honour that person? I have so many questions lately...so pensive....I talk to God about these things but eventually I feel bad and think I should talk to him whether I'm happy or not. At least I realize this junk. At least I can see the trainwreck and I'm not just in it.
I'd do anything for Chris Wynn and we're just friends. I think I need to re-evaluate this relationship. I don't know if I can hang in there. No matter what, the girl comes back and my clock strikes 12.
When I'm with him, I feel so awake and alive and the weird thing is- lately its seemed so mutual. And then it happens... he breaks the news that he's thinking about her and the pain hits. Just like scaulding water; stings at first then goes away and then bbbuurrrnns. I gave so much good away that now I'm focused on what's left...sickness and bad things. I'm almost 27 now- in a week and its been 7 years off and on like this. 7. I must have really been fine with rejection and misery. How discusting. I'm at the end of the same road I drive over and over again. I'm so sorry these are such unfortuante things to read. I hope I find a way out of all this. I want to be the kindof girl that totally captivates someone. One that fights battles and does great things out of kindness and courage, passionate enough to lay it all down for the sake of righteousness. The world sucked me in as of late and yet there is still righteousness and good which helps restore faith in God and I'm learning he is bigger than I can imagine. I might have been closer to a "decent person" once. I've been happy and focused mostly on the things that are good and true but never realizing the extent of my interpersonal issues. I think I was good for God but maybe not really anyone else. I was scared of people I think because secretly I think they can love me better than I can them and felt powerless because of it. I like looking at myself through a magnifying glass. Considering the circumstances I'm pretty crazy. I've been pretty scared of people I think because I know they can love me better than I can them, so it intimidates me and makes me feel bad about myself. My love is not as great as theirs might be. Its ironic because I've always been passioante about loving people but if its isn't true love what good does it do? Its a lesser version of something great or beer at a wine party. This makes me so sad to think about, That I am this way. I hope this changes eventually. I feel usless and inadequate and I think I put off such a vibe that I'm a big person with things to prove. Lord, cut me down. I want a clean heart from all of this. I don't want to feel unhappy that I can't be a different person and love people correctly. Sometimes I wish there was a better way than this life. I miss feeling the Lord close. I pray people don't just love me out of pity seeing all these flaws about me. That would suck. Well thanks for reading.